So ever since mother's day I've been thinking a lot. Mother's give and give and give, that's all they do. And this whole time I've just thought it was just because that's how they were built. Once they had their first baby they automatically had patience, prayer, cleaning skills, and everything good that mom's are made of. I'm beginning to think it is an acquired trait.
I just figured my mom got her way up until we were old enough to ask for things, but I've realized, probably not. I'm sure that from the day she found out she was pregnant with my oldest sister, she had to make a lot of changes, and give up a lot of things. Not only did she have to cut down on what she spent money on, she had to give up her time, her hobbies, her friends, some of the food she ate, and most importantly (at least just for today's sake) her spotlight. She no longer gets the attention that she longs for. A woman shouldn't have to ask for roses. But really, how often does she get them without it?
I know I never really gave my mom the attention she probably has wanted for years and years. The best present I have given her for mothers day, birthday, christmas, you name it has probably been some 5 dollar candle, or a vacume, or something "practical" that she needs anyway. I mean really... if she needs it anyway, that isn't a gift, she's going to find some way to get it anyway.
Anyway back to my real point ... something happened today that made me realize I'm not going to be a good mother if I keep it up. I am extremely selfish. Needless to say what happened... I was in a position where I felt hurt, somewhat betrayed, a little stabbed in the back, and mostly EXTREMELY unimportant. Not knowing what to do, i just got down to the side of my bed and started praying. I asked for guidance. I asked to be able to react in a way that would make this not happen again. I asked to know what to say to make things better. And then I asked to feel the love that I need, and something to make me feel better.
I got back up in bed and started to read scriptures, hoping that I would find something that said "this is why I'm so upset!!!!!" or "this is why this shouldn't happen!!!" anything to prove my point. And then it dawned on me... that wasn't my place. It is not my place to raise anyone other than my kids. If someone else wants to do something that detracts from the spirit, that is there choice. If they love me enough to realize how much it hurts me, they might stop. Or, they might not stop. But that doesn't mean they don't love me.
I am a very sensitive person, thats just how I've always been. But I think it's turning into greed, and selfishness. I have been told in blessings to stand up and speak the convictions of my heart, and be meticulously honest. And I think I have interpretted that the wrong way. I just thought that meant, talk a lot, say whatever is on your mind. So I have been doing just that. And my body has found the most effective way to get my point across is to cry. I don't mean to cry on purpose, but it's happened so much lately that it's becoming a habit even for the smallest thing. Anyway back to my story. After thinking of so many different ways to say "you are a jerk for treating me badly now stop it!" I finally thought I was going to be able to speak up and say something that would truly pierce the heart. Only... when the time arrived that I could say it... nothing came out. All I could do is look straight forward. I couldn't think of anything to say. Inside my head I was thinking "why are you so pathetic, this is your chance to say something Chantelle. Stick up for yourself, just say it! Come on!!!! why aren't you crying? this is a LOT bigger than some of the tiny things you cry about," but nothing came out of my mouth. So many thoughts went through my head, but I just couldn't say anything. Needless to say the situation ended, and I was left alone with all those thoughts trapped inside my head, and only a few of them outside of my mouth. I was so frustrated at first, why hadn't I started crying? usually I do at a time like this, why didn't I get so upset I just snapped? does it mean I'm just going to snap the next time? Why hadn't God helped me say what was on my mind!!??? Then I realized he had led me to do the right thing. Jesus wouldn't stick up for himself. He would have stuck up for the other person. He would have been badly hurt, but he would have just held it in and suffered for it on the cross. So many times I feel discouraged because I can never stick up for myself. People just never seem to understand what I'm going through. But maybe it just means that they're not supposed to hear it. Maybe I really am set out to be a great mother, because I know how to keep my mouth shut when I'm about to explode. It's not the end of the world if I don't get any flowers, it just means that I'm doing my job.
It took me a long time to understand why men have so much responsibility in church, why they get all the attention. But really... thats not true. Women have just as important of a part. Just as men have the priesthood, women have motherhood. They are the one who gives up their life to raise each one of those priesthood holders, they are the one that decides how he will be raised, what lessons to teach him before he moves out on his own. If we had any more responsibility we might end up busting blood vessels all over the place. I've also realized, that maybe one of the best ways to teach someone, is to not say anything at all. People need to learn lessons by listening to the small voices in their head, not the nagging shouts in their face. And maybe a way that I can speak the convictions of my heart and be meticulously honest is through example. And just because my mind thinks it, doesn't meant that my heart is on the same page. Instead of making sure I SPEAK the convictions of my heart. I need to speak the convictions of my HEART, and focus more on what my spirit wants to say. This also means, that I don't particularly have to speak with my mouth. I can keep my mouth completely closed and still speak the conviction of my heart through actions. Hence... I am shutting up starting... NOW!
